Hoodies and Cocktails
by zeno518
Summary: Republic City has its fair share of odd citizens, but can any odd them say they're from a world without bending? A fanfic writer finds himself spirited away to the world of Avatar with nothing but some new clothes and an ocarina. Content to live in a simpler world without modern hassles he vows to avoid the plot with every fiber of his being. Too bad fate has other plans...
1. Chapter 1

Hoodies and Cocktails: A Masochistic Self-Insert Fic

**zeno518 does not own Avatar: The Last Airbender or Legend of Korra. We all know this. I also don't own anything that resembles or is outright stated to be something that does not even relate to the above intellectual properties.**

**One last thing; Dramatic moments will become absurd quickly.**

Chapter 1: Welcome to Republic City, Leave Your Fedora's At the Door.

_Another day of meaningless internet surfing._

_Checking YouTube for subscription updates, checking for fave updates, checking the RP for updates, playing a little bit of League here and there, and then ordering pizza for dinner._

_That was yesterday's, today's, and tomorrow's schedule for the foreseeable future._

_A drab and lonely existence? Perhaps._

_But it was an existence nonetheless._

_Of course to the neighbors of the poor soul that lived by them would say "That guy has no life."_

_It was true, he did not have a proper social life. It never bothered him before moving away from his parents' home and it did not bother him now._

_His only solace was that season two of The Legend of Korra was almost premiering. When suddenly Korra appeared before him and began ravagi d giausbiusd vas ivk asiub skjvu_

"OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS SUCKS!" groaned the author as he slammed his head into the keyboard

He groaned in pain and then looked back up at his screen

_ljvkaoa;sn;asolvnwrigbwavknsdo;ilvna;_

More groaning, several cans of Mountain Dew, and a sit down in his own personal emo corner later and he had gotten over his self-pity.

Of course now he was doing his usual pathetic end to this routine of his; bowing at a little cluster of posters and fliers for numerous games, authors, and directors.

"Oh lords of awesomeness." he weeped "Why is it that I cannot be as glorious as thee?"

Soon the doorbell rang and the young man quickly rose to his feet and his depression was nonexistent

"Ooh! Pizza!"

He dashed over to the door and opened it, expecting a pizza delivery guy. Once he saw the person at the door however, his excitement became shock.

He shakily pointed at the person in front of him.

"Y-you're!" he squeaked

"Yeah. I'm that one guy." The man said with an eerily familiar voice

The man threw a burlap sack over the fanfic author's head and started dragging him along with his arms bound behind his back.

The author struggled as much as he could but soon found himself being thrown down, what felt like, a grassy hill. He rolled and rolled until he hit something hard, cold, and painful.

After a quick struggle, he was freed from his bindings and he stripped himself of the burlap sack and tossed it as far as he could throw it. He checked his surroundings and saw a sight so strange it was uncanny; an art deco poster with a strange character and a man in a hood and a white mask.

The teenage author backed away slowly and walked past the poster and towards the street. He peeked out and saw old-timey cars speeding down the avenue, people in old-timey clothes, and an old-timey lady listening to an old-timey radio.

With a fearful squeak, the teenager slinked back into the alley. With the utmost refined and godlike powers of deduction and reasoning he failed to notice that his 21st century moder slacker attire had changed to that of a 1930s era ragamuffin. To clarify; his cat eared beanie had become a slightly worn black fedora, his awesome band shirt had become a white button up shirt and black vest, his cargo pants became some kind of high waist black pants or slacks, and his Chuck Taylor Converse All-Stars (his favorite shoes of all freaking time) became some kind of weird shoe that he had no knowledge of the style. He still had his badass gloves on at least, that was a plus.

The teenager sat down on a conveniently placed box and rolled up his sleeves a bit past his elbows. He started to think and try and sort out his current predicament. He did it the only way he knew how; by talking to himself.

"OK, I'm in Republic City." he said to himself "My clothes have changed to fit the times and I'm pretty sure I'm thinner than I was back home."

It was true; he had dropped a good eighty pounds on his way there. He was no longer the pudgy three-quarter Mexican he was back home. Now if fate were kind, it would deny this teenager a mirror. Sadly for the rest of the world, there are reflective surfaces almost everywhere.

"I have all of my knowledge of season 1, that includes Amon's identity, that douche bag Water Tribe councilman douche bag's douche bag plans of douche baggery, Mr. Sato's bigotry and fat bastardness, the location of the rally and Sato's secret lab, and all of the other shark jumping bullshit that happened on this show." He said while waving his hands around, freaking out the passersby who saw him. "Hmm. Now all that leaves is what _I'm _going to do _now_."

His stomach roared with hunger stalling and derailing his train of thought.

"But first I have to figure out how I'm going to get money for food."

Almost as if the spirits of the world of Avatar themselves answered his unspoken prayer he felt a hollow wooden object hunk his head and fall into his lap. He blinked thrice in surprise and then looked at the object from the heavens.

"Ooh sweet." he said as he inspected it "An ocarina."

It was a professionally made 12 holed, blue ocarina. Sweet Potato's Ocarina of Time model. Though for some reason the Triforce wasn't anywhere to be found on the instrument. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, he ignored it and played the first six notes of the Song of Storms.

"Sounds good." he muttered to himself.

If this were an actual cartoon there would be a large thought bubble above his head mapping out his master plan; picture of ocarina + crude drawing of himself plying said ocarina + pedestrians = $$$

The young author brushed his black hair back out of his eyes and leaped to his feet "It's brilliant brilliant brilliant!" He shouted.

Once again he managed to freak out several passing pedestrians.

Three songs from Ocarina of Time, Two songs from Majora's Mask, and a sweet cover of the Dark Cloud theme song later...

The young man was holding his fedora upside down and gazing at the contents within; the ocarina and 20 Yuans in small change. He was glowing with joy and was following some directions to the nearest ramen noodle stand.

"To easy." he said to himself "All I need is a weatherproof place to crash and I'm set for life. No parents nagging me, no social security BS, no internet to distract me, no TV or video games." 

He stopped in his tracks "OK those last three things are actually a major bummer but my new sexy body is a good consolation."

He chuckled to himself and continued his self conversing "The best thing about poverty is that I can still maintain my figure!"

He stopped walking again. "OK, that was probably the most unmanly thing I have ever said. But it's true."

He shook his hat/money bin a little and listened to the coins and bills clink together "Oh this day can't possibly go wrong."

He should not have said that.

As he walked down the street he heard a familiar exchange.

"That'll be 20 Yuans." said an old kebob stand lady

"Uh..." said a teenaged Water Tribe gal "...I don't have any money?"

A scuffle could be heard "Then what good are you to me?"

,mm

This was the moment that the author's master plan had fallen to pieces. Despite every synapse in his brain telling him to ignore the girl and let the story run its course, a bigger and much more frightening voice in his head echoed throughout the large and hollow cranium.

"_Si alguna vez dejas pasar la oportunidad de ayudar alguien en necesidad voy atormentar sus dias!_" The voice of his _nana _was a voice you always listened to regardless of the language it spoke in.

So with much reluctance and pain, the teenage boy turned and ran up to the cart.

"I've got this!" he panted and thrusted the hat filled with money towards the cranky old lady.

He turned his head to the girl to confirm that it was her. Brown eyes met blue and a feeling of dread and "Get the fuck outta there" crept up the ocarina player's spine

He saw the look of happiness on her face as she thanked him and grabbed the twenty meat sticks from the vendor.

"At least some of you kids understand the concepts of money." said the vendor "Your mother must've raised you right boy."

He shrugged and sighed "Yeah, she did..."

With that his hat was taken and the money was dumped into a cash box and his ocarina was tossed back into the hat.

The teenager sniffled and put his fedora back. He stuffed his ocarina into his trouser pocket and shuffled away.

He kept walking

"Can this day get any worse."

Once again, something he said should not have been said.

"Hey wait!"

With a nervous stagger he started to walk a little faster, trying to get lost in the crowd and hope that Naga didn't have his scent.

"Hold up!"

So he began to run, his hands in his pockets and keeping his ocarina safe.

"I just want to talk!"

The traffic light changes and he's cut off by a river of passing cars.

"Shit!" he exclaims

He turns around and sees that Water Tribe girl riding on the back of a polar bear dog. Now that was a rare sentence,

He took a few deep breaths and started reviewing the cover story he thought of between songs; he was new in town, he was a traveling ocarinist, and if anyone asked him to join any sort of cause he would remain neutral.

He then went through a per-conversation checklist to make sure he had a clear cut goal for the inevitable conversation; be specific but not memorable, always look at your mark but don't stare, don't shift your weight, be funny but don't make them laugh, don't sue eight words when four will do, the other person has to like you then forget you when you're out of sight, and don't, under any circumstances-

"Found you."

There goes his train of thought. The young man at least had time to cook up a halfway decent name that wouldn't conflict or grate with the cast should he ever meet them. If he hadn't he'd probably have come up with some kind of half-assed name that was probably some combination of a Vocaloid and an arbitrary and obscure character from an original Xbox launch title.

He turned on his heels and looked into the face of the fluffy dog bear thingy "Yo."

With a deadpan expression he looked up at the main character of the good-but-rushed show. She had a kebab in her mouth and the rest inside a take-out box that was crammed in to a saddlebag. She was munching on her kebob and smiling at the author.

"You left before I could thank you." she said as she dismounted her companion

The ocarinist sighed and took off his hat. "Yeah, I was in a hurry."

She crossed her arms and leaned against her animal companion "Intimidated by little 'ol me?"

The ocarina playing teen bowed his head and put his hat back on, trying to hide his beet red face. "Somethin' like that."

The girl laughed and took out the take-out box. "I'm Korra. This is Naga."

She offered him a couple of kebobs, he took them with a thankful nod. She gave a few to Naga and the polar bear dog munched on them with gusto.

"Thanks." he said and then began nibbling one of the kebobs.

"So what's your name? Where are you from? Will you be my friend?" she said as she inched a little closer with every question.

The young man thought to himself that that was slightly out of character for the main protagonist, and he figured he might as well throw her a bone. Maybe even tell her to head to the park once she realizes that Naga ate all of the kebobs while she wasn't looking.

He adjusted his fedora and cleared his throat. "Tendou Eiji, nowhere in particular, and I'd settle for acquaintance."

Korra looked a little dejected at his denial of friendship but she bounced back quick enough.

The newly christened Eiji mentally patted himself on the back for his stroke of genius; Eiji and Tendou were Japanese names that could easily sound Fire Nation. It didn't match his Water Tribe appearance and would basically make him just another multi-ethnic citizen of the wonderful capital city of the United Republic of Nations.

Eiji decided to end the conversation now rather than drag things out and derail the plot even further.

"You're polar bear dog ate all of your kebobs." he said while pointing out the empty take out box

"Naga!" She said "Now what am I going to eat?"

Eiji chuckled and pointed off towards the park "If you head over to the park, there's a pond with some fish in it. Just watch out for the rent-a-cops walking the beat."

"Rent-a-cops?" she asked with a confused expression

"Yeah, the non benders that try to join the force are usually denied at the door, but they have to hire some non benders or the police will seem bigoted. These guys are usually just given minimal training, a small baton, and a whistle to deter petty crimes. As far as I can tell anyway." He explained/bullshitted to her "So every now and then you get some random guy or gal off the street who thinks they're a good enough bender to dish out some vigilante justice. They end up doing more damage to the street and businesses than the Triads do and _they _get locked up."

Eiji spun around and pointed at Korra "So try to keep the damage to the city a minimum, got it kid?"

Korra chuckled and waved "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks Eiji."

He tipped his hat and did a casual salute "You're welcome."

He saw the light change out of the corner of his eye and saw his opportunity to escape "Well, it was a pleasure to meet 'cha but I've gotta go see a man about a bet!"

Eiji couldn't have gotten out of that situation any faster. His only comfort was that he had managed to set her back onto the right track; she'd catch some fish, run into the protestor, get lost, fight some triads, and wind up in jail.

Now all he had to worry about is making enough money to get by.

If were ever that simple...


	2. Omake 1

Omake #1

(Something to tide you over and a possible hint of what's to come.)

Eiji found himself in a strange tunnel.

He had no idea how he came to be there but he did not fear anything in the darkness.

He found that extremely odd. He was usually very paranoid in the dark.

He knew that he was walking straight and that he could make out a very faint light at the end.

He pressed on, steadily speeding up his pace with each step.

Eiji soon found the light becoming brighter and brighter, until it finally engulfed his entire vision.

Eiji shut his eyes for a moment, he opened them slowly to let them adjust.

As his eyes adjusted, he saw a sight that should have made him soil himself in fear; a hooded man with a white and red mask.

Eiji unshielded his eyes and took a confident and offensive pose, his body and face acting on their on accord.

He had the most arrogant smirk on his face despite the fact that he wanted to run and hide.

The hooded man gestured with his hand and a thousand masked men and women brought out bolo ties and charged up electric gloves.

With a gesture, the masked army charged at the confident young man

Eiji scoffed and then screamed "ZA WARUDO!"

Within an instant everything seemed to freeze in place and shifted into a negative for a second before returning to the original colors

"_Toki wo tomare!_" Eiji declared

He procured at least a hundred knives of various types out of his coat from seemingly nowhere and then threw groups of them at every masked assailant, the blades stopping short of where they would enter.

Eiji moved and then threw the last fifty knives at the hooded man but not before moving a very large construction vehicle in a very precarious location

"Soshite, toki ga ugokidasu. he said and then time began to flow once again

The effects were instantaneous and amazing; within the blink of an eye all of he masked army were dead with numerous knives sunk into their flesh. Their hooded leader was the only one still alive, but only barely.

He fell flat on his back and saw something that made his blood run cold; a steam roller falling on top of him.

Eiji climbed on top of the steam roller.

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! he shrieked

Gah! he shrieked as he violently awoke.

Eiji looked around and found himself sitting against a wall and letting out a yawn. He got up and dusted himself off

That was weird.

**There is a poll on my page regarding the plot bunny that inspired this short little ditty.**


	3. Chapter 2

Hoodies and Cocktails: A Masochistic Self-Insert Fic

**zeno518 does not own Avatar: The Last Airbender or Legend of Korra. We all know this. I also don't own anything that resembles or is outright stated to be something that does not even relate to the above intellectual properties.**

**One last thing; Dramatic moments will become absurd quickly.**

Chapter 2: Mexican Standoff

As he walked away from yet another quasi-succesful ocarina performance with a hat full of Yuans and a stomach full of that ramen he had heard about, he happened upon a man sweeping up in front of his store. Curiosity and a mild sense of deja-vu getting the better of him, he decided to see what the man was selling.

Eiji tipped his hat to the old man and took a peek at his storefront.

"Mornin' sir." he said cordially

The old man smiled and nodded his head. "Morning to you too, young man."

"Nice record players you're sellin' here." he says "What would you recommend?"

The old man's face brightened up and he leaned his broom against the wall. "Oh I have all kinds of models in stock at the moment."

Just as the old man was about to walk into his shop, a loud and obnoxious hot rod pulled up to the curb. Eiji's sense of deja-vu was coming back again.

The doors of the car opened and out came three thugs wearing clothes that were as useful as "Hi my name is X" name tags; a Firebender with a pencil thin mustache and a cut over his eye, a dopey looking Earthbender, and a classy looking Waterbender wearing an infinitely less awesome hat than Eiji.

The Waterbender walked towards Eiji and the old man with a thuggish swagger. "Mr. Chung. Please tell me you have my money."

Eiji tensed up a little and mentally groaned. It appeared that he walked right into the plot again. Almost as if some hack fanfic writer was keeping him from making his own story and utterly subjecting him to the torture of having to live out events that he had seen on television without any guarantee that he would survive to see the season finale.

The Waterbender grinned "Or else I can't guarantee I can protect your fine establishment.

The thug nodded to the Firebender who ignited a small flame and started to juggle it around.

Eiji decided that enough was enough, and that he might as well _try _to talk them down.

Eiji stuffed the wad of bills he had in his pants and put his fedora back on. The Earthbender pushed him out of the way and didn't seem to consider him a threat. As true as that assessment was, it was still a dumb move on his part.

Eiji saw that the trunk of the car was somehow open, and that the tire iron was exposed for him to see. Despite his firm belief that things like fate, destiny, gods, guardian angels, and numerous other things of that sort, Eiji decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and seize the opportunity.

While he was grabbing the tire iron, he heard a cocky girl's voice. He now had an ample enough distraction, he charged in and took a swing at the Earthbender's dome. The Earthbender offhandedly grabbed the Tire Iron mid-swing, yanking it away with relative ease.

Eiji didn't even have the chance to make a joke or a plea for mercy, all he got was an earth pillar to the chest and about ten seconds of hang-time. Once he hit the ground all he heard was chaos and elemental noise. Well, at least for the two milliseconds that he was conscious.

When he woke up he found himself in a hospital bed, with a strange tingling sensation in his chest. It also felt wet for some odd reason.

He opened his eyes and looked towards his chest, there was a dark skinned woman with blue eyes laying her glowy water soaked hands on his chest.

Eiji groaned and looked over to the woman. "How long have I been out, doc?"

The woman hummed and stopped her healing therapy. "About a day."

She got up and walked over to a chart that was hanging on the wall. She took a pen out of her hair bun and jotted down a few notes. "You had some minor internal bleeding, a fractured rib, and a few other complicated names for simple injuries that could have been avoided if you hadn't swung a tire iron at an agitated Triple Threat goon."

Eiji nodded "Not my brightest idea."

The healer scoffed and then walked to the door of the hospital room "The person who brought you in to be patched up told us how you managed to direct an irate slab of stone into your gut."

The healer opened the door and standing in front of the doorway was an annoyed bald Airbender, and a teenage Water Tribe girl about to knock.

The healer either moonlighted as a psychic or she just had extremely good timing.

"Uhh..." murmured Korra "This a bad time?"

Eiji looked at the healer and the healer stepped in between the doorway and the Avatar. "After a day of treatment he's good enough to walk but not good enough for strenuous activity."

The healer roughly moved Korra out of the way and slapped a note-card to the Airbender's forehead

"Here's his prescription, dosage, and a signed document officially stating that he is now the Avatar, and by extension, your problem now _Councilman_." she sneered.

Clearly this healer was neither a fan of the Avatar or the Council. Eiji wondered why, but chocked it up to the Season 2 nonsense with Aang's family. Eiji could sympathize with the healer on that.

It was kind of a let down that Aang grew up to be a total prick. Of course, he wasn't around long enough for there to be an episode explaining and/or resolving the cloud siblings family issues. Nor was he in the know of how Katara felt about the situation.

Reeling in his wayward thoughts he turned his attention to a conversation he now had just missed. The expressions on their faces would have made him laugh if it didn't pain him to do so; the Airbender was red with rage and babbling incoherently while Korra looked positively derpy.

Eiji slowly and carefully got up from the cot and got to his feet. His gut hurt a lot but he still managed to rise. Of course once he found out that all he was wearing was pants, he admired his minimally toned stomach and lack of flab and then panicked on where his hat, money, and sexy clothes were. In that order.

Before he could ask, the healer slapped him with a bag. "Here's your stuff." she deadpanned,

Eiji looked at the bag and then back to the healer. "Much obliged." he said before getting his stuff.

He heard a masculine grunt of anger and then proceeded to walk towards Korra and the bald dude.

He noticed her checking him out, that's we though she was doing anyway, as he buttoned up his shirt and rolled up his sleeves.

"Like what you see?" He said with a debonair smile and confident tone

Korra rolled her eyes and chuckled. "You wish."

The bald guy scoffed and gazed down at the ocarinist "I fail to see why I shouldn't just toss him out on the street and leave him to rot."

That really struck a nerve. Before Korra could give a reason, Eiji gave a retort

"Wow, I didn't think that an Airbender could be a bigot." he snarked "I thought you skinheads were supposed to be all about peace, love, being spiritual, and all of that religious nonsense?"

The bald man growled and his face got redder. Both the musician and airbending master took a step forward and were both stopped by Korra.

"That's enough you two." she said

She turned to Eiji "Eiji, this is Councilman Tenzin, Tenzin this is Tendou Eiji."

Eiji and Tenzin got into another staring contest, a battle of wills if anyone had ever saw one. One whose authority had been challenged versus someone who despised older bald men that were taller and more physically fit than he was and had authority.

Korra on the other hand facepalmed "This could be a really bad idea"

Oh she has no idea.

**Sorry for the long wait and the short chapter. I've been trying to work on this in-between my job hunt and my newfound social life, but Open Office had screwed up my first draft, and my second and third drafts we're deleted by my kid brother when he managed to get on my computer. I hope this chapter is worth the wait!**

**There's a new poll on my page to vote for my second fanfic to juggle around with. The options are**

**RWBY OC fanfic**

**Avatar: The Last Airbender/League of Legends Crossover**

**Korra/JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Crossover**

**League of Legends/Young Justice Crossover**

**and finally**

**Teen Titans oneshot that parodies Spellbound**

**I hope everybody had a happy halloween and is psyched for the holiday season!**


End file.
